Ed Meets World
by Locora
Summary: What if Edward unknowingly stumbled upon the biggest prank in the history of Eastern Headquarters? Or what if, it was all just in his head?


**WARNING:** This is a work of crack… not to be taken seriously. Anyway, enjoy.

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When people say 'military officer', most people think of a buff, near-bald person with a no-nonsense attitude, a cigarette butt hanging from between their lips and a gruff sort of aura. When a person mentions a major, they might think of an older person with experience in the military, and not someone to be trifled with.

This, however, was not the case for one Edward Elric. It was true that he was a major, a military officer for the country of Amestris, and that he was not someone you would want to mess with. Yet, when people saw him, they thought 'kid' 'shorty' or when told of his rank: 'yea right'.

This of course, caused Ed to explode into long, and often violent, rants defending his short stature. Most ended with the hospitalization of any person who had called him shrimp, bean, short, little, etc., unless Al, his younger brother, was able to hold him down.

It was a bright, sunny day, and Ed had just returned to Central from Risembool a few days prior. After the disappointment at finding a leveled library, and having to hunt down the missing notes, he now found himself holed up in the library, decoding Tim Marcoh's notes. He was slightly breathless from his four minute rant to Maria Ross which had only ended after Al had dragged him off, apologizing for his brother's "rash behavior."

He held a weary expression on his face as he read back through the pages, his eyes occasionally drifting back to the notes that lay across the table in front of him. It had been two days since he began, and he hadn't even cracked the first sentence yet. The room was already piled high with numerous volumes and a vast assortment of other notes and papers that were strewn across the floor and table.

Ed sighed heavily, his fingers sliding through the long bangs that framed his face. Dark circles had formed under his eyes from the enormous lack of sleep he had gotten since he began his research. Al had long gone off in search of more books to add to the growing mountain already present in the room.

The last of the sunlight winked out on the horizon, darkness pushing in against the clear glass of the large windows. With another sigh, Ed pushed the book onto the table, folding his arms out and resting his head against them. It was time for a small nap, he supposed.

-----

When Ed woke, the first thing he noticed was that it was daylight. The second was that standing right in front of him, was a guy with a sword so massive, it could probably dwarf Al. Of course, that was just one of the people he saw around him. He saw people with ears on their heads, tons and tons of doppelgangers, and very bright, blinding hair colors. He let out the breath he hadn't know he was holding in.

Where exactly was he?

Startled, Ed dashed left, running through the crowd at break neck speed. He pushed past green-haired people, people wearing practically nothing, and even people shorter than him. He stopped for a moment at that to stare in disbelief (though he would never admit it). He stopped suddenly when he spotted the all too familiar blue uniform and shiny black hair. Though, the hair was a bit longer than what he remembered.

'_Phew. This is just some joke by the jerks at headquarters. Just you wait Colonel Bastard, I'll pound you into next week_,' he thought. Trademark grin on his face, he stomped toward said Colonel.

"Hey, Mustang, what's the big idea?"

Of course, the Colonel must be ignoring him on purpose, Ed figured, when the Colonel didn't turn around or say something related to his height. This only furthered Ed's irritation, and he tapped him on the shoulder.

This seemed to have gotten his attention, for he turned around with a flourish, his face screaming irritation. "Who are you? Though, your outfit is awesome!"

Edward's face twisted into confusion. "Did you just compliment me, Mustang? And what do you mean 'who are you'. It's me, Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist, snot-nosed brat of a subordinate with no respect for his superior officers. Who else would it be?"

'Roy' grinned, "Wow, dude. You got the whole 'Ed' thing down."

"Alright, enough already. I get it; the jokes on me, now stop acting like an idiot. And, er-," Ed had just noticed two rather large lumps hanging from 'Roy's' chest.

"Roy, have you been hiding something from me? And the rest of easte-," but before he could finish his sentence, 'Roy' pitched forward, hitting the floor with a sickening smack.

"Woah there Jess. Seriously, you'd think she'd learn not just stand around like an idiot."

"What the hell was that you idiot?!" Jess ranted.

"Er, nothing. So… you gunna introduce me to your new friend here. His costume looks sweet."

Meanwhile, Ed had frozen in shock at the appearance of this new person. His eyes were locked on the all too familiar face, and his jaw was hanging slightly ajar. He finally managed one word out, "Hughes..?"

"Yea, though, it's not that recognizable."

"But… y-you… you're dead! Unless… ENVY! YOU BASTARD!" Ed roared, lunging forward, unfortunately, at the moment, 'Roy' had revived and intercepted him.

"Woah there shorty, take it easy." 'Roy said, leaning over toward 'Hughes', he whispered, "Maybe this guy's a little too in character. Not that's it's not awesome, but I think we should scram."

'Hughes' only nodded, before breaking out in a large grin. "Alright, can we get your picture, though?"

The comment was so random, that Ed completely forgot the short comment, and could only stand there and stare blankly. "Huh?" Moments later, he was blinded by a bright flash.

"Thanks," 'Roy' and 'Hughes' chirped, before dashing back off into the crowd.

Ed glared, silently seething. When he found them, they would have hell to pay. Sighing with resentment, Ed turned around to the endless sea of bodies pushing and moving around in the cramped space of the room. He had gone naught but a few steps, when he was forced to stop yet again. The bane of his existence; the horror of Eastern Command, Major Armstrong himself, stood right in front of him.

Ed shivered, attempting to dodge out of sight back into the crowd. Too late, Armstrong had spotted him.

"Woah. Dude, I am totally digging your costume at this moment. Can I take a picture?"

Ed stood shock still. "Wait, you're not going to hug me? Major, do I need to take you to the hospital?" he questioned in a near whisper.

"Huh? What are you talkin' about man?"

Ed groaned, clutching his head between his hands. "Ugh… nevermind." He stumbled off into the crowd again.

Hours later, he finally managed to find a spot with little to no people. '_Finally!_' his thoughts cried with glee, 'some _breathing room._" He sat down to rest, and to watch the strange people all around him. He still had yet to figure out where exactly he was, but from the looks of it, he didn't like what he saw.

So far, he had run into at least eighteen of the same guy, all wearing the most hideous shade of orange he had ever seen (he didn't know orange could be that annoying), eleven freaks with snakes, stuffed, hanging all over themselves (he was instantly reminded of his teacher, for whatever odd reason), five of himself (which wasn't strange at all, nope), a frightening large number of the bastard colonel (he swore that bastard was stalking him, and secretly laughing at him), and several other odds and ends (such as girls who were practically nude, boys running around in skirts, the occasional frightening experience of seeing Al and 'him' making out in a corner, and various others he would rather not remember).

He sighed, wishing beyond hope that he could just go back to the glorious library. He looked up, searching for the exit, when a certain person caught his eye. A certain person with black-ish green hair and looking very transvestite; a certain person named Envy.

A feral snarl ripped itself from his throat, until it was abruptly cut off by the sight which had just unfolded before his eyes.

Envy, probably the oldest, and fiercest of all the homunculus, had just been jumped by a pack of screaming girls. That in itself didn't bother him that much. The part that worried him, was that Envy was doing nothing to push them off. In fact, Envy was _crying_. Not just crying oh boohoo. Downright balling his damned eyeballs out. Sniffing and sobbing and begging the girls to get off and leave him the heck alone.

That was the last straw. He couldn't take it anymore. This place… was definitely not real. Nope. Not a chance. He pinched himself, and instant pain raced up his arm. Or not. Maybe this place was real, or maybe not, he wasn't sure. In fact, the only thing Ed was sure of was that he had to get out of here.

He turned to flee, only to stop dead in his tracks. Again. Trisha stood not five feet from him. '_Alright… that's it!_' he thought. 'Trisha' was coming closer. Ed promptly fainted.

-----

Eyelids snapped open to reveal wide, golden eyes.

"Al? Al? Please tell me you're here."

"Nii-san? What's wrong? You fell asleep, and I couldn't wake you up."

"Oh thank the gods!" Ed exclaimed, springing from his chair toward his brother. His hands stretched upward, removing the helmet of the suit of armor, before a sigh of immense relief escaped. "It is you, you are real."

"Um, Nii-san? I thought we were atheist, and who else would I be, Chuck Norris? Of course I'm real!" Al huffed.

Ed didn't respond, only snuggled his face deeper into the hard, cool surface of the armor.

"Did you have a bad dream?"

"Nothing I want to ever want to have the pleasure of experiencing again, thank you. Did you get those books?"

"Sure did," Al responded cheerfully.

"Good, then, shall we?"

"Certainly, stop wasting precious time, Nii-san," Al replied.

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**A/N:** Ok, what do ya think? I came up with this idea October 2008, off the top of my head. Was talking to my sister on the bus, and just told her this story cause I had nothing better to do. Hardly can believe I remember it all ^^ Anyway, thanks for reading xDD


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